😶‍🌫️ I'm Tired of Acting Like I'm Okay. I'm Not.

Life is hard. From getting out of bed in the morning to bothering to take a shower and beyond. The simplest of things feel unachievable these days. I try to stay positive as much as I can, given the state of the world. However, I'm tired of acting like everything is okay.

It isn't. Not even a little bit.

Every day, I teeter on the edge of a fall that I'm positive I won't get back up from. That's not suicidal ideation speaking -- it's just depression, I suppose. And sure, I'm not alone in that, but it sure does feel like it a lot of the time.

I live my life hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. I'm exhausted. Mentally and physically. Something's gotta give me for me soon because if it doesn't, I'm scared of where I'll end up. I feel worthless, unloved, lost, and just...invisible. Every day feels like a brick wall that I'm just slamming into repeatedly. On the rare chances that something good just might happen, it ends up the opposite. I just need one chance. Or one break. Something, anything to make me give a shit again because that simple act of doing so is getting more difficult every day.

Yet, I smile and laugh and act like everything is just fine, like everything will get better and it'll all work out in the end. It's all a carefully crafted mask, a different me. The me that people want to see, the me that everyone thinks I should be. because who wants to spend time with or talk to someone who may be pessimistic but is being real?

No one. Ask me how I know.

My life was never supposed to be this way. Or maybe it was, and I was just naïve in thinking that it could and would be something better. Maybe failure is genetic. Maybe I just somehow prefer that to anything more. I don't know.

But I'm tired of acting like I'm okay.

I'm not okay at all.